So you are a bloke in your 40’s, how do you feel ? No really, how do you really, deep down feel?
Chances are that you don’t actually feel that great. Not necessarily “terminally ill”, not necessarily “flat on your back exhausted”, not necessarily “so frustrated I want to scream about my marriage”, not necessarily “work is driving me insane” and not necessarily “I need to run off with a 22 year old or buy a Porsche” … but mid-level, debilitating, incessant “not great-ness”.
As men, we are not renowned for our ability to talk, listen and share emotionally. We problem solve, we achieve, we are strong and we can open jars, but talk and share what we really feel … not so much. And that’s not to say women are any better or worse. But I am a bloke and I know I don’t understand women, so let me stick to what I do know.
This is not a mental breakdown, as many would inaccurately describe it. It is a physical and emotional car crash (note the on-going use of “masculine” analogies), it is the equivalent of blowing a fuse (!) in the control system of your mind and body. The system finally got overloaded. You don’t know when or even if it will happen but all people, like fuses or pressure release valves, have different threshold of breakage points and the one certainty is the system cannot go beyond that threshold. In fact it is specifically designed that way to protect the system itself.
Is this going to happen to you ? The truly scary thing is that the answer is quite possibly yes, or it has already happened, or possibly even worse it’s happened to a very close friend or family member of yours but they’ve hidden it from you. There is almost no-one who, when they hear from a friend the words “help me”, would not spring into action and do whatever is necessary to provide help and support. And yet …
This is not a new phenomenon. There are studies and statistical evidence that there is an emotional lifetime U-curve for all men. “Happiness” declines in direct relation to your age until your mid-40s (46 to be precise) when you reach the bottom, the worst, the deepest part of the curve, and then it begins to improve again, with your 80s being the equivalent on a happiness scale as your 20s.
Of course, studies are only samples and academic analyses are not truth but think about it for a moment. Broadly, by your mid-40s the following is probably happening to you:
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Your relationship (first, second, third etc) is moving beyond 10 years, becoming less exciting possibly annoying;
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Your children (probably more than one) are moving beyond “child” into “teeanger” (puberty, exams, relationships, smoking, drink or drugs etc);
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Your partner is seeing her role in life changing as the children grow up and she is wracked with self-doubt and confusion about the future and her career/job/calling;
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Your bank balance has been hammered by mortgages, children (again) and grown up bills, but you can only see the requirements of the family are going to get greater;
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Your work has moved far away from the exciting, challenging opportunity to do what you love, and towards levels of administration, management and minutiae that require ever increasing hours, travel and commitment;
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Your career it at a turning point with few steps up left, with more and more intense competition for less roles, and seemingly no ability to move down or sideways with dignity;
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Your health is not really a problem but you are just beginning to notice that it aches that little bit more after a run or your back or knees seems to be just a bit more niggly, or that first prostate exam is no longer that many years away;
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And finally your parents now need you more than you need them, or you may be having to deal with life without them as the one key constant because they have already passed or it’s not far away.
When you put this all together, it’s not surprising that this age, the mid-40s, is a very trying time for men. And for the avoidance of doubt this is not a comparative judgement, just a statement of fact and an observation that men are poorly equipped and poorly supported through this vital period in their lives.
And it is a vital period because, like it or not, in almost every life challenge outlined above someone else is relying on you to be a capable life partner, a strong father, loving husband, a cash machine, a workaholic, a career man, a fine physical specimen and a carer. Not necessarily the only provider of all these things but a good one nonetheless.
So why am I writing about this, apart from it being frighteningly autobiographical or a litany of my own challenges. It is true that I am encountering many, if not all these challenges, and I have been to the very, very edge and blown the fuse. Not a pleasant experience. But, and it is a very big BUT, I have been surrounded by loving, caring and wonderful people who have allowed me to be open with them about my challenges and my feelings, despite it being often painful, embarrassing and deeply emotional. And as a result I have been astounded at how many friends and family have felt and experienced the same but never mentioned it. EVER !! So how many of us have been in dark places, deep depression or feeling unable to carry on, yet the rest of us never knew.
This cannot be right, it cannot be helpful to families or society and it cannot be good for the organisations that we work for.
So this is the beginning of Project yoU, the launch of a personal crusade with the simple aim of understanding, highlighting and supporting men and their partners that are struggling through the “middle bit”.
40-somethings rock … then they roll … and still party !!
Thanks,
Adam
http://blondcontrarian.blogspot.co.uk/2017/05/the-hankley-challenge-project-you.html?m=1
